Holonet Galactic News Issue 2

Headlines

Kashyyyk occupied by the Imperial Army

A fleet of Imperial warships blockaded the planet Kashyyyk this week and placed the planet under Imperial control. Imperial life forms specialists have determined that the indigenous creatures, the Wookies, are incurably animalistic and dangerous. They have also concluded that due to this and their underdeveloped brains that these creatures are not truly sentient.

In view of these facts, the Empire has opened the market up to sell them as beasts of labor. Several Trandoshan clans have already begun harvesting under Imperial regulations and the first Wookies are reaching the open market. Several Wookies are also being kept by the Empire for civic improvement projects to benefit the Empire as a whole.

Jedi slaughters aliens on Sel Zonn Station

In an attempt to appease the relentless cries of MAHIG the Imperials continued to investigate the disturbances on the Sel Zonn station that happened a month ago. The evidence that they uncovered was disturbing. We have been told that some video surveillance uncovered a group of terrorists lead by a Jedi kidnapping and butchering innocent aliens on the Sel Zonn station. One of the names that they have released to the press is none other than San Sallian, the Twi’Lek owner of the Mechanical Allies Droid Repair Shop. He owned and operated his business for several cycles before being beheaded by the Jedi begging for his life in the Main Docking bay on blue deck where the group was said to have escaped. We have been told it is impossible to identify the Jedi because of the sorcery they used to mess with the equipment.

For the safety of all aliens onboard the Sel Zonn station the Imperials have been kindly relocating them to safer and more secure locations, they refused to release any more information for the safety of the aliens.

COMPNOR agent Skig Banos had this to say, “I can’t believe the Jedi would stoop this low, massacring aliens and trying to blame it on the Emperor, which is slanderous propaganda and must be stopped!”

The Inquisitorius quickly inspected and left the docking bay of the gruesome crime scene where we intercepted and asked them if they thought this was the same band of terrorists that destroyed the medical facility on Felucia, to which they replied, “We have more pressing matters to attend to, no time to answer your idiotic questions.”

Missing Persons rises in the Outer Rim

It seems the number of missing persons keeps climbing to ridiculous heights as more and more people from all races have been disappearing without a trace. For many of them there is no sign of struggle, no carbon scoring, no broken doors, it is like they just walked out on their own free will. The cries of the outer rim can be heard but the Imperials refuse to do anything. When asked for their reasoning we were told that, “The outer rim is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy in the entire galaxy, we cannot spare our valuable resources and man power to investigate a bunch of Bounty Hunters and smugglers killing each other and over card games, even if we did do something it would only keep happening, and even to our own valuable troops as well.” The mother of Rane Nidor is still clinging to hope that her son is still alive but no one is doing anything. She had this to say with tears in her eyes, “Is there no one in the entire galaxy that will help us?”

Archives on Dantooine Ransacked

Recently a band of ruffians and thieves ransacked and stole valuable records from the Archives on Dantooine. The theft was unexpected and out of no where. It is unknown exactly what records were compromised but the investigation is underway. The Archives are primarily used for the local university to help educate the students on certain subjects and history lessons. Due to the ongoing investigation the Dantooine Archives have been shut down to the public until further notice as per the Emperor’s orders.

Jawa Juice Determined to be Unsafe for Consumption

The Galactic Consumer Advocacy organization has determined that Jawa Juice has been found to reduce the cognitive abilities of sentient beings far in excess to what was originally thought. Studies show that they may in fact have a greater effect then death sticks and some forms of spice.

When asked why this problem wasn’t detected earlier, industry officials point out that no one knows exactly what Jawa Juice is except for the Jawa vendors themselves leading to unsettling rumors as to its origins.

When asked for examples of what kind of damage it can do one industry official stated on condition of anonymity:

“Suppose you had a young male protégé sworn to celibacy. You know that he is mindlessly in love with a girl. Instead of having her sent away safely like you normally would ingestion of Jawa Juice might lead you to do something stupid like send them to a romantic setting alone together where they can talk about sand, stare into each others eyes, etc. It is my considered opinion that the stuff should be banned.”

Entertainment

Dramatic Trick gives Jace Deeron Victory in Loop of Kon Garat Race

Jace Deeron has won the Loop of Kon Garat, one of the most challenging space races in the galaxy. Jace successfully avoided the Space Slug gauntlet and the Spinning Ion Platforms of Death with his brilliant idea of spinning his craft.

When asked where he picked up such a trick Jace said, “When I was young I flew a starfighter in the defense of Naboo, mostly a cakewalk job until the Trade Federation blockade. I flew into orbit to attack a Droid Control Ship. It didn’t go well as we couldn’t break their shields. As I was desperately trying to survive I heard a voice I didn’t recognize over the comlink. It said, ‘Let’s spin, that’s a good trick.’ Figuring I had nothing to lose, I did just that. We won the battle and I’ve been spinning ever since.”

Bespin Sabaac Tournament Postponed

During the initial inspection of the Sabaac droid dealers it had come to the attention that Cloud City officials found the droids had been tampered with in some veiled attempt at giving an unknown contestant the edge. Because of this recent development, not only is the Tournament postponed but it is also going to be more restrictive in an attempt to keep the games safe and fair. The Imperials gave Cloud City officials a grant that will allow them to increase their security forces to ensure nothing will go wrong. As a result they are looking to hire very qualified individuals with backgrounds in the military and other forms of mercenary work to help keep the games safe. The new date will be announced as soon as all the droid dealers are completely replaced.

Holonet Galactic News Issue 2

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